DATING IN URBAN INDIA – The Dating Dilemma

The Dating Dilemma

BY NITA JATAR KULKARNI

(This article on dating was published in THE INTERNATIONAL INDIAN [I5th YEAR]) in 2009.

Not hiding it anymore

A significant number of young people keep out of the dating game because they don't see the need to go on dates. This is where India differs radically from the west. Maybe Indian society is still conservative at heart, because casual dating hasn't caught on in a big way. After all dating usually means deceiving your parents.

Funny, how dating mores seem to change every decade or so. Over ten years ago dating was just coming out of the closet, and was either considered "cool" in some circles or "shameful" in others. In today's metropolitan India, dating has taken on a new avatar. It's not a big deal to date anymore, and why should it be when more than half of the collegians date? Not just that, dating isn't even as clandestine as it was before.

Priyanka Patel from Bangalore, studying her final year Textile Design in Ahmedabad feels that dating has become more open and

that "people are not hiding it anymore" and also that "eight out of ten" college students date today. With dating becoming widespread, the "cool" tag for those who date has also disappeared, if indeed it ever existed! 19-year old Varun Raitani from Mumbai says, “Dating would be considered cool or grown-up if one dated in school but in college everyone's dating."

If It's peer pressure that's pushing youngsters a big way, that’s not what they are saying. And the truth is that there are many who don't date and they don't see it as a problem. Rahul Sengupta, a final year MBA student student is content with his single state. “It’s never been an issue for me or my friends," he says. “It’s all about one’s own perspective towards life and inner conviction."

Vishesh Unni Raghunathan, a 12th grade student city from Chennai believes that dating is entirely “a matter of personal choice."

A significant number of youngsters keep out of the dating game because they don't see the need to go on dates. This is where India differs radically from the west. Indian society is still conservative at heart, because casual dating hasn't caught on in a big way. After all, dating means deceiving your parents. "Most parents are still orthodox, they will never agree to relationships," says Arvind from Chennai, who has just completed his engineering.

If this is the case in metros, it's more difficult in smaller places. Kakoli Shaw, a first year M.E. student from Bhilai feels that “In a typical conservative middle-class society like my city, I don’t think any student is that close to his/her parents that he can tell his parents about this." Not that she feels that parents' orthodox attitude hampers those who want to date. She estimates that dating has gone up by "50 percent or so in the last 5 years" in Bhilai, although just about a quarter of students seem to be dating as of now.

But whether small town or metro, dating is taken seriously and perhaps that's because dating doesn't mean just "going out" but also involves some level of physical intimacy. They may be in their teens but these kids know that if one crosses the line there could be a heavy price to pay.

Family relationships can sour, reputations can be ruined and worse, the bitterness can make things very unpleasant between the couple. That is why Varun feels that it is important that both people feel "no pressure at all" in doing what they are doing so that there is no blame game and guilt feelings are avoided later on.

19-year-old Simoni Shah from Mumbai also makes it quite clear that one needs to be sure of what one is doing "If the relationship does not work out, you should not feel violated," she says firmly.

Not that it's easy to find privacy. Going to each others’ houses is out of the question as parents usually have no idea what their sons and daughters are doing. Dating couples in India usually have to fall back on public places and this can deter some. Rahul isn't comfortable with a public display of affection at all, and feels that it is very demeaning if one is caught in a park by a cop with a baton.

When it comes to pre-marital sex, no one actually said that it was "immoral" or "bad," but for most, going all the way is a no-no. Commitment is considered important, but even then, most girls are against the idea. Kakoli feels that premarital sex should be avoided at all costs as it can result in emotional trauma if the relationship does not culminate in marriage. The physical aspect of relationships is what gives parents the jitters.

Oddly enough, the more conservative the parents are, the more they tend to push the children away. That's what many youngsters said they had observed around them, that the stricter the background was, the more likelihood of the teens dating, and the less likelihood of the parents knowing! Yamini Peddada, who has just finished her Law from Mumbai feels that "going against the family norms" is one of the motives for dating.

Rahul from Kolkata agrees, "Generally I have seen that people who are from very strict families tend to get boyfriends or girlfriends quickly just to break free."

Dating is not a big deal

But having said that, there are other reasons why dating is becoming common in the metros. Families are becoming more liberal, particularly boys' parents. They are often amenable to their son having a girl-friend. However the vast majority of youngsters hide their relationships from their parents, and tell all only if they have to, if they want to marry. "They wait for the right time, till they get into a stable career," says Kakoli. Parents usually do accept the partner, even if reluctantly as long as the partner is from a suitable background. Marriage is always the desired objective. And marriage is what the young are thinking about too. Whether it s Rahul, or Varun or Yamini, or Arvind, none of them believe in casual dating.

Pretty serious huh? Well, that's what Indian youngsters are like, and it's probably because they are unsure of whether they will find the right person via an arranged match, where it is the parents who usually make the "shortlist". In India the gap between generations has leap-frogged in the last decade or so because of the sudden onset of global influences. Influences which have touched the teens, but left parents quite cold.